Three people walk into a bar . . . Three people walk into a bar: a radio, a television and a computer. Radio says: I am the great invention because I can go anywhere and I make people dance. Television says: I am better greatest invention because people can watch me. I can make people dance too Three inventions walk into a bar: a radio, a television and a laptop.
Radio says: I am a great invention because I can go anywhere and I make people dance.
Television says: I am better invention because people can watch me. I can make people dance too.
Laptop says: I am the best invention because people can play with me. They can watch me and I make them dance too.
Ms Water, whose real name is Ms Waters, with an “s” was the woman working at the bar that night, the night that the entire hullabaloo broke loose at the Randall bar and Grille. All State knew that Ms Waters had the power to spill the beans and tell about all of the fraudulent activities that All State had been committing over the past 17 years. She yelled: “Shut up and drink before I spill myself, before I spill myself all over this beer (obviously having had a few too many beers) all over y’all I’m gonna spill and be your worst nightmare, just like Mayhem!!!” Bucks. Bucks. Bucks. It was clear that Ms Waters could only see green. It was green, such a greedy woman. Ms Waters by profession is, was and always will be one of those prostitutes, a whore. I had never met a real prostitute. Well, there was that time during the war. But that was, well, that was in Paris. You know what they say, “All is fair in love and war.” This was both. Oh, and there was that time in Thailand, that didn’t even count (though I will sorta remember it fondly). I had been in Ms Waters’ quarters more than once. She was filthy, quite seemy. She had a two-bedroom flat, a living room, a half bath…well that isn’t the point. She had a gold pole that ran from the chandelier to the floor in the living room but I guess it isn’t really the pole that makes the whore. Practice? She had to practice the ol’ whoreness. I’d rather not even discuss some of the other activities that I witnessed there. I saw a host of wealthy and impoverished persons, a Fitzgerald look-a-like or perhaps that was Gats.. you know when gin was the national drink or was it vodka? Post 20s? Anyhow, whoever it was? He was off chatting up some even seemier lady. I remember, more than once, a rather stale odor—I think they were socks. Ms Waters was a living advertisement of the All State Insurance Plan Those sock could probably take on a life of their own all because her former lover had not covered her nephew with All State motorcycle and the whole insurance plan that put him in the hospital, leaving him and his Aunty with nothing but bills, bills and more bills. Little Tommy, little Tommy, Ms Waters’ long lost nephew. Unfortunately, Tommy had been the victim of a motorcycle accident that had left him paralyzed from the neck down. He could no-longer dance, which was his life’s passion and something he was pretty good at. If he had only purchased the All State plan before the accident all of his medical bills would have been covered, in fact, the costly MRIs and X Rays might have made the difference between seeing the best of the state’s neurosurgeons and he would probably be able to dance had he seen some of these doctors. But never fail, that tall black guy who anybody would hate to run into anywhere, he began to pipe up with his shpeel about the All State Insurance Plan and how you should be covered from head to toe. Then, Tommy, one day, while sitting in bed he heard an angel’s voice (actually it was just Kelley humming a tune) sang out to the tune of the radio. It gave the kid hope a little self-worth. Kelley wasn’t about to steel that from him since that was all he had lately. It went on for a minute. Little Tommy heard the tunes again when she wasn’t there. It was special and he knew it. The tunes came over the radio and they made him want to dance again. There was still hope for little Tommy (who was 18), a distant hope but… nobody wanted to build up any false hopes for anybody, especially his Aunt Kelley who had already been through so much herself. Again, the guy from that insurance company came back. Kelly, too came about. The insurance guy, he had his papers in his hand and Kelley said, “Get out of here. Take your insurance self and get out of here. He told her, “If I don’t get this stuff done I’m in deep crap. Please let me stay, though and just sit with you and Tommy.” He said, “It’s been a long time and I care. Just a while?” Kelley said, “Okay.” After a few moments of silence, she said, “Okay, what is the deal?” The All State guy said, “If we got this insurance claim off of our backs, it would certainly take a load off our general indemnity and allow the whole company to go ahead with this new insurance research plan that it was hoping to pursue. There was more at stake with Tommy’s good health, and you can bet it wasn’t with a prayer or two. The doctors did say that they had detected some movement in his monitor, a slight alteration on the pattern of his PET scan. The music, it did something, but was then, cut short, deadened; it came to a sudden end, maybe just a temporary stall. At the other end, though, was a small cackle that said, “I am the greatest in the Land. No others shall Pass these Hallowed Halls!” As if anybody was threatening at that time.” It was the All State guy who was just having a good time and ! The woman from apartment 3D, the owner of the hot tub, the sexy little lady. She dropped in. Now, it isn’t real often that you have a sexy librarian lady with a hot tub just appear, unless you have the All State Insurance Plan. Frankly, the first thing…or rather the …last thing that really came to mind was how do I get this sexy girl OUT of my flat. How did she get there in the first place? It was those kids! One of ‘em said “And can I have a hot tub!” Not really such a bad idea. But I did kinda wonder, “How did I get a hot tub into my apartment?” Meanwhile, I had a bunch of other guys in the next room arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg? Everybody knew that it was the chicken…no, the egg. But, everybody also kinda knew that the TV was on its way out the door while computers and their monitors took over the whole damn market. So, I didn’t really concern myself with that. This was all like a sensory over load even for me! Usually I can cope with stupidity and somehow make a bit of sense out of it: This? No frickin’ way. I guess it was the dancing with the stars, abc and NBC, too who were in cohorts with All State and Ms Waters to take over the world out of this era, the laptop with all sorts of, well, a laptop or a stereo oh and a radio. I couldn’t really hear the radio over the sound of Kelley, the librarian from 3D, who was wearing nothing but her glasses in a hot tub that she and the All State guy brought over. Damn, and if I didn’t buy the plan, if I didn’t buy the damn plan the librarian, the hot tub, everything would go up in smoke! When guys heard that, well, you know guys, when they hear that there is a naked woman in a hot tub BAM. Next thing you know you have a million guys and a couple of kegs of beer being tapped. You also have the police asking you to either “turn down the noise and disperse” in this case, it was more beers and music. The radio the radio had no other choice but to listen to the television. The television was growing and learning to compete. Some said that the TV was down for the count and wouldn’t last but it rallied! The TV said its first words on a brilliant spring day; I believe it was March 15. Yes, the ides. The ides met the words or something like that.
Sure, there were a few who were already being helped out the door, getting sort of rowdy. The black insurance guy was right in back of them yelling some nonsense about getting fully covered by the insurance plan. “Just sign here!” “Sign here,” he pleaded with the television remote control in one hand and the insurance papers in the other. The All State guy had already switched the channel to ABC’s “Dancing with the stars” (a pretty lousy program if you ask me). The stars weren’t dancing that evening. And that black All State guy, like a bad penny, gum stuck in your hair kept bouncing back. It was like there were a frickin’ million of that guy. He was surely the Devil in carnate almost wishing that those folks would get laid up in the hospital, hit by a truck on the way to where ever they were going. The Computer continued nonstop and loud, too. The computer had this fancy built in speaker system, one of those Dolby set ups with a warranty that wouldn’t go anywhere. Actually, both of the computers did. They began blaring at the same time. It was mayhem! Ms Waters came out from behind the bar, this time she had a daiquiri with a little purple umbrella. She was singing this little song, to the tune of the radio, that she had just turned on again. It was pretty clear that she was a big fan of the radio. However, she was also a fan of the television. I think, but this was just a thought that Ms Waters was a prostitute. At least judging from her attire the set up of the apartment and the clientele. Okay, I have been to one or two whore houses in my day but that was only way back when during the war, when I was a kid. You can’t really blame me. Well, you are right that there was nobody else to blame. But this was France; Paris, France. The ladies of the evening were different. They smoked those long cigarettes and wore lovely black and red lingerie. It was sort of hard to a resist for a nineteen year-old kid from Kansas. Horniness was in the air. The battles of today? They aren’t between radios, stringed instruments and ballet dancers, but the battles are more elusive. The battles are between talking; nay screaming, radios, computers and televisions. The radios and gramophones don’t have a shot in hell in this war. I don’t even see or hear their own family members reaching out to support them. Fortunately for the TV sets, they didn’t really have to worry about much. They didn’t really have to worry about much now, at least. The owners of the TV sets were some of Massachusetts more conservative politicians. There was pretty much of a monopoly on TVs, even these days. But, the politicians had ensured and insured that TV sets were protected by the All State Insurance Plan that covered home damage and theft and yes, motorcycle accidents. You are probably wondering why a TV would set need insurance or a warranty against motorcycle accidents. Semantics, policy. It was just one of those things.
He was paralyzed from the waist down. She was in another of her drunken stupors but this hit especially hard, even fir this tough hardened whore. This was real. The insurance company has provided him with a radio, a laptop, and a computer. Actually two computers since the last one up and died. Knowing Tommy’s fondness for Snickers bars the All State company had a candy machine put in the lobby of his hospital. It was private, so there was no real conflict of interest. Fortunately it was an HP and he had the All State Insurance Plan. That black guy’s voice, it rang incessantly telling him how he and his family members could save big bucks. I want to save bucks too! How can I save bucks? Then, a man in the form of a women starts talking in this really low gravelly kind of voice, I believe the woman from the 3D woman who is all lathered up and sort of sexy like pops up out of a hot tub and singing everybody’s favorite song. More mayhem than anybody could imagine. The black All State guy quietly says, “We wouldn’t be in this fine mess if you had All State, the All State Insurance Plan that protects against motor vehicle, homeowners damage, and general mayhem, and yes, motorcycle accidents.” The black All State guy speaks up again. He says, “Do as Ms Waters says. The WordPress writer, well we will have to deal with her later, perhaps deny the availability of the All State Insurance Plan to that WordPress person. WordPress was being sneaky. In the meantime, before we deal with her, we had to put All State in its place. So, radio, laptop, or TV. Radio, that’s out. The TV got one on my laptop. So, I guess that is pretty much it. I’m gonna go watch dancing with the stars on my laptop. Well, maybe I will just record it and watch it later. I would have needed to pick up a few extra Tylenol so I can put up with this go-around’s dancing with the dancing with the stars judges, they are lovable but I despise them at the same time.