Nancy Sinatra, 1966–These boots are made for walking, that’s what they’re gonna do. Someday these boots are gonna walk all over you!
She was surely not going on about the “Ugg” boots of today, the more like arggghhh boots. Why anybody would spend more than twenty-five bucks to introduce their little princesses to a set of these death traps, it is simply beyond me. Go figure, I am just one of those concerned citizens, middle-aged men, who has nothing better to do than worry about what Middle and High School princesses are dancing around in. I suppose it is time for me to get a life, and at least finish up my healthy Starbucks smoothie and stop ogling my daughter’s school mates, and put away my laptop before I get arrested for lead lascivious ogling and scoping. But actually, I am not real guilty. I am just making sure that my daughter isn’t being scoped out by men with laptops. But, some of the little ladies these days are really doing their darnedest to get us concerned middle-aged men to take a peek at them. In addition, I do go out of my way to avoid the school’s release from the Middle and High School. These boots these Uggs that Addie, my eldest, keeps going on and on about. I wonder what Nancy or her hubby, Frank, “the King of Swing,” would think if the “fashionable” (and I use the term loosely) attire landed in their laps a half a century earlier. Clearly, those boots, the Uggs were not made for walking while the princesses shoved everything possible into their school packs, did up their hair for the grand walk to school. “Mom, let me off up here, I’ll walk the rest of the way.” No foolin’ mom. The little princess was off in her Uggs to “strut her stuff.” It has been like that for generations of generations. Just so long as the little lady wasn’t decked out in a halter top and toting a spear gun to school that was okay. She watched her little girl strut off to school. The Mom in Chief, thought out loud, “Hmm, I could use a smoothie, or an espresso maybe they make ‘Uggs for moms,’ too.” Actually, they would certainly be arggghhhs for moms. It’s a darn shame, but modern moms, and as Mom In Chief (MIC) Sara was talking and walking for moms everywhere, on behalf of the “Mom Nation.” We, she thought, silently, are over worked and under paid! I’m gonna write me a paycheck! Finally! She had gone berserk, nuts, but she was still pretty much under control. She had the whole damn speech practically spelled out and memorized. “That Ugg Guy” didn’t know what he was in for. God help him if he didn’t have the size or color that she wanted. Uggs, fifty-five percent off! “Off of what she thought, dirt?” But by now it turned out that neither “The Ugg Guy,” nor the shoes were a factor. Sara wanted something. Sara was going to get something. Sara was going to get the damn Uggs out of principle. Sara was on a mission. She went in to Starbucks, had her smoothie, got an espresso to go, but all the while she stealthily spying over at “The Ugg Guy” store from across the street. If only, if only, if only Like, the dynamic duo Nancy and Frank (it wasn’t Frank and Nancy; it was Nancy then Frank) there were June and Jonny Cash; Okay, usually that went Johnny and June), but in our case it was Sara and Jon. You catch my drift. You better. At least I caught on, and real dog gone fast! The Uggs, well the deal was a real steel, Sara just didn’t want to get ripped off, it had happened before. She used the ol’ rationalization method. This didn’t even hold ‘weak’ water with her. What the hell was ‘weak’ water anyhow? Is there ‘heavy’ water? Sara thought, ‘I’m going nuts. Water! I’m talking about water weight!” It was, however, steel. Good she didn’t think twice about it, because she was the one getting ripped off. They were, however, lambskin and Addie would probably “inherit” them when Sara wasn’t looking. All in all, it was steel (but it was also encouraging our youth to steel from their Moms). Sara though, do it. Let me, make me do it fast. It was as if it were a drug, a fix, or something, the purchase would be satisfaction. Her heroine. Addie had a real problem. Addie had a mom who was addicted to shopping.
And, as Nancy Sinatra said:
“…You keep sayin’ you got somethin’ for me,
’ Somethin’ you call love, but confess.
You’ve been messin’ where you shouldn’t been messin’
Now someone’s getting’ all your best
These boots were made for walking, and that’s what they’ll do
One of these days these boots will walk all over you
…Are you ready boots?